True Confessions

Do you ever get so caught up in trying to organize life that you forget to enjoy life?  That seems to be my trouble.  While organization is one of my strengths, it quickly gets me into trouble as I try to anticipate all of life’s foibles.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy life, I just get caught in the what ifs.  For example, this baby is due on Aug. 24th, the first day of school.  Instead of being thankful that I got all summer with my girls and that I would miss the first six weeks of school and be almost to the season of holidays when I go back, I have struggled with the fact that I don’t have sick days stored up and that I am going to loose at least a month’s pay.  I have gone over things in my mind repeatedly as to how to “work out” life.  As if I have any control over when this child will be born anyway!

Control is so hard for me to give up and being pregnant really reinforces the lack of control in life. As exciting as pregnancy is, I have to work really hard while pregnant to not become totally psycho.  I have a history of early miscarriages and so I spend the first trimester in uncertainty.  When the doctor finally gives the green light in the second trimester, I still constantly evaluate my body as to how I am feeling and what is going on.  I also think about those 5 or so babies that didn’t make it and I wonder why. Knowing that I couldn’t do anything to save the other pregnancies doesn’t make it any easier.. it’s once again back to control.

I know we all face issues of control and this was hit home the other night while reading the book Parenting Children with Health Issues.  I remarked to Doug that no wonder Maddie wants to control everything and everyone around her as she has so little control of her life.  She doesn’t get any say in when/how/what medicines she takes every day, what procedures are done to her and so on. She doesn’t even get to decide if she is going to play a sport or if she is going to play outside, the needs of her body control her childhood wishes.  Doug’s response to this was yes, but she still doesn’t get to tell her sister what to do all of the time! 

So how is this different for any of the rest of us? Since I feel like life is nuts and careening out of my control, my response becomes one of trying to control all of the “little” things in life that I can. When in actuality I should be thanking God that I don’t have to try to control things. That the picture is much, much bigger than my own little world.

Today I remind myself of the words in Matthew 6:25-34 and place my trust in Him.

I tell you not to worry about your life. Don't worry about having something to eat, drink, or wear. Isn't life more than food or clothing? Look at the birds in the sky! They don't plant or harvest. They don't even store grain in barns. Yet your Father in heaven takes care of them. Aren't you worth more than birds?

Can worry make you live longer? Why worry about clothes? Look how the wild flowers grow. They don't work hard to make their clothes. But I tell you that Solomon with all his wealth wasn't as well clothed as one of them. God gives such beauty to everything that grows in the fields, even though it is here today and thrown into a fire tomorrow. He will surely do even more for you! Why do you have such little faith? Don't worry and ask yourselves, "Will we have anything to eat? Will we have anything to drink? Will we have any clothes to wear?" Only people who don't know God are always worrying about such things. Your Father in heaven knows that you need all of these. But more than anything else, put God's work first and do what he wants. Then the other things will be yours as well.

Don't worry about tomorrow. It will take care of itself. You have enough to worry about today.