My Amazing Middle

Parenting is hard.

Many days I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water. 

The last few weeks have been worse than normal. Maddie had a horrible October, as most of her October's in her life have been starting with her very first one at five months old sixteen years ago! She was sick every day of October. It was scary.

In the midst of this, my healthy girls get less than the best of me. It's not that they get forgotten, but everything slides. Homework, chores, bathtime.. the routine goes out the window and we all suffer.

You would think by now I could have figured out how to parent a chronically ill child as well as how to parent healthy children.

I haven't.

My heart's desire this fall is to learn how to be a better all-in mom to my middle child. Lexi is my "mini-me" and she is at a crucial age that needs me to be focused on her.  Sixth grade is tough enough on a kid without having a mom distracted by the continual health needs of an older sibling and a vocal little sister!

So how am I going to be all in? I don't know. But I'm going to start tonight by inviting my girl to go out for Starbucks after I teach my evening class. It may just be a few stolen minutes here and there, but I have to be intentional about these moments or the years will pass and I will miss the opportunity to get to know my amazing middle.

The Digital Native MYTH

There is a myth about kids and technology and it is called Digital Natives.

This myth says since students have been using digital devices since they were born, they know more about computers than parents and teachers.

THIS IS CRAP!!

This generation knows all about phones, apps and how to use snapchat. But they do not have BASIC technology and computer skills.

How can I make a blanket statement like this? EASY. I am living this world.

My personal children can create anything on an ipad or a phone. My seven year old has her own You Tube channel for the videos she makes.

But if you ask these "digital natives" to find a file outside of their "my documents" folder they flounder. Ask them to step it up and use a remote location like Google Drive or Dropbox, download it to a computer, edit the file, make a copy and rename the file and then load it back to original location you might as well be speaking a different language.

The cost of the touch technology is that today's students don't know how file directories work. They don't know the importance of a file name or location. If the file that they need isn't found when they touch the photo app icon, then they can't find it.

As a teacher who is desperately trying to get students to use technology in a purposeful way in my classroom, this is beyond frustrating.  With 150 students using Photoshop and working in the Google Classroom, I spend the majority of my day not teaching design skills or even advanced software specific skills, but simple skills like working a task bar, how to save to a specific location and even opening and sending emails!!

So what is my point to my rant?

Well, I think educators and parents have bought into the myth that we are out of touch and that we have to learn something new and fancy to be "cutting edge" and to "keep up!" This myth has caused considerable angst among teachers and has started lots of conversations about retiring because teachers feel overwhelmed by their perceived lack of digital knowledge.

The reality is very different. The reality is that students are distracted by the new and shiny and that being able to create a thousand funny pictures using snapchat is not a job skill!! We as educators and parents are challenged to ground our students and children in foundational skills, even when these skills seem outdated like addition, subtraction and "save as"!

Reggio Emilia... if it's good enough for my classroom, it's good enough for my home!

While taking my grad class this last month, I learned about the Reggio Emilia approach to education. While it is primarily used for early childhood education, I was inspired and convicted all at the same time about my classroom, my approaches to teaching and even my home!

 

So, for those of you who have no idea what I am talking about, let me give you the very much abridged version of what Reggio is...

1. Child, parent and teacher are all partners in learning.
2. Teacher is an observer. Provide the tools and the foundation, but allow the students through trial and error to take control of their learning.
3. The environment is the third teacher. "The layout of the physical space in the classroom encourages encounters, communication, and relationships. The arrangement of structures, objects and activities encourages choices, problem solving, and discoveries in the process of learning."
4. Children participate in complex, long-term exploration of projects. A project could last the entire school year!
5. Learning is documented daily. The teacher OBSERVES the children learning and documents specific examples of learning.

 

http://www.reggiokids.com/the_reggio_approach.html

 

Here are some Reggio classrooms. I love them. The natural light, the clean lines, the plants and the overall sense of wanting to be in that room!

 

If you are interested in learning more about the Reggio Emilia approach, there are tons of articles on the web. Here is one. http://www.education.com/magazine/article/Reggio_Emilia/

But now let's take this home. How does this play into my home life? Well, as I am working on the girls rooms and organizing their crap toys, I am inspired to use more natural and/or clear products to store things in instead of brightly colored bins.  I love storage bins, but I have found that these brightly colored plastic bins overwhelm Lexi. She can't see what is in them, she can't distinguish easily where things go and then ends up in a meltdown because she didn't make any progress cleaning.

So, I am thinking.. instead of deciding for her where things should go, I am going to invite her into the conversation and allow her to organize based on how she wants thing done. My gosh, it is her room after all. She LOVES pretty things and I think would probably do much, much better with clear glass jars to put Barbie shoes in rather than have a large tub full of Barbie stuff that she can't find.

I like how the picture below has random items placed together, not for function, but for color. Lexi would be all over this! And really, why should I care if she puts her Barbies, her books and her art supplies together based on color rather than function!

 

And look at this one! I love the blue wall. 

 

And this is a dream playroom! Wow.

 

Okay, one last thing... Who wouldn't want to put the colors back where they go if you had something like this!! Too cool. That is next on my agenda to make!

 

Celebrating my 39th and an interesting realization

I turned 39 this past week. It was not earth shattering or anything really all that special. In honor of the day I refused to wash dishes or cook. I should have been more specific as so did my children and that only meant that the day after my birthday I did twice as much cleaning. Lesson learned.

 

As my big gift, Doug wanted me to pick out a new wedding ring. I don't need one really, I have a BEAUTIFUL one. See below. However, he feels (and I agree) that it will remain beautiful much longer if it doesn't live in an art room every day.... there is just something about a diamond ring that attracts paint and clay!

 

Here is my OLD looking hand with my awesome 15 year old ring that has just been cleaned, polished and repaired...

 

And here is my bday present. I have to say, it's really great. I like that I was able to keep with the two tone look. I know the braided center will end up with gunk in it, but James Avery can clean it up!!

And let me just say... my pride forces me to... my hand really isn't that fat! The ring is a size 6 and typically I look like I have long slender fingers. These pictures however make my fingers look like sausages! Oh well!

 

My other part of my birthday gift was a trip to the Texas Rangers game and a night away from the children. While we were away, we did a little shopping. I love this shirt. It SO FITS ME!! (I'm not a television fan!)

 

Here was our view of the game. The Texas Rangers are my favorite team and I'm glad to say that I've seen them play enough times in person that I know they are not always that BORING! But man, if it hadn't been for the fight that almost broke out between a Ranger fan and a Cincinatti Red's fan, there would have been very little excitement to the night! But even a boring game in person is fun to be at!

 

This morning we got up and had a leisurely morning and then worked our way home. On our way home, I had an interesting realization. I have not spent a single night IN MY HOUSE without at least one of my children present in the last ten years. Possibly longer. Wow. Yes, Doug and I have gotten away, but I haven't slept in MY bed without a child in the house in, well, I can't remember. It has been that long.

It's a really good thing we have made opportunities to get away. (Thanks Mom and Dad for keeping the girls!) Kylie says that she is going to be ready to spend the night away from home when she turns 4. Her 4th birthday is August 20th. Any takers? :)

My top 10 parenting tips

So my older sister blogged her parenting tips the other day and that got my youngest sister asking for my take on parenting.  Like I don't offer tips and advice enough as it is...!  But since she's pregnant and asking, I gotta!

Here goes.

1. Find out what works for you as parents and go with it. It doesn't matter who has named it, who endorses it, or even if everyone else hates it. If it works for you, use it.  This goes for bedtimes, teeth brushing, room cleaning... you name it. Just because people that seem to have it all together are doing something one way, if it doesn't help you, don't do it. It might not work for them, they might just be hiding it better.

2. Expect your kids to lie, cheat and steal. Pray that they get caught early in the game. As a teacher of a full generation of students now, I can tell you, that your kid is not perfect. Mine are not perfect. Kids will do whatever they think they can get away with. I highly endorse Love and Logic ( http://www.loveandlogic.com/ )  parenting. It gives boundaries and choices, but requires parents to be ACTIVE in their kids lives. I like that.

3. Continuing with the Love and Logic theme... give your kids choices so that they can learn to make good choices and feel like they are in control of their lives. Let's be honest, kids don't get to make decisions very often. They are told what to do, when to do it, how to do it and on and on.. so, find ways to get your kid involved and let him/her choose. You would be amazed at how quickly a toddler (or teen) will do what you want them to do if you give them options! If you don't give choices now, how will you expect your young adult to make good choices without you?

4. When your child doesn't do what you want them to do, figure out a punishment that works for your family and make sure that you are not punishing YOURSELF in the process!! I happen to love the timeout for the toy instead of timeout for the kid. For example, if the Barbies are not put away, the Barbies go away.. to time out for a few days. The punishment fits the crime and drama is held to a minimum. What I have found to be interesting is that for example, when the DS is placed in time-out, sometimes weeks will go by before it is remembered and asked for! I love that. I only meant for it to be gone for a couple of days, but there is so much active living that can be done instead that it gets forgotten until a slow day appears!

5. Make memories. My childhood memories are full of games played and things done. I only recall 2 typical family vacations from my childhood, but I remember all kinds of things we did... like playing "monster in the dark",  putting puzzles together, singing songs and helping my dad with his business. It doesn't take money to make a memory. It takes time. To be a good parent you invest time into your child. Nothing can take your place in your child's life.

6. Challenge your child. Doug and I expect a great deal from our kids and our kids are more than capable of this. In fact, outside of school hours, Maddie is taking Latin, clarinet and piano. We don't expect her to be the valedictorian...she could be if she wanted and we pushed, but we aren't. We aren't into pushing, we are into challenging. The difference is that when the parents push, the parents are the motivators and the ones actively working. When we challenge, we present an opportunity, provide the resources and let the child actively work (knowing that failure might be the end result.)

7. Be flexible, but have non-negotiables. Why??.. because if you don't, your children will wear you down and then they will win. More bluntly.. if you let your daughter have a boyfriend at 10, go on a date at 12 and prom at 15 why are you surprised to find out that she is having sex at 17?

8. Define yourself beyond being a parent. Understandably we all get caught up in parenting, but we have to remind ourselves that our worth is not tied to our raising kids. Yes, what we do with and for our children is vitally important, but we are all more than parents. We are individuals with hopes and dreams for ourselves. If we don't, then we are shells. Children need more than a carcass for parents so we need to make ourselves enough of a priority to have hopes and dreams and then work toward them.

9.Talk to your child everyday. Really, I mean LISTEN to your child everyday!! Find time to ask your child how his/her day was at school and then LISTEN to the answer. Ask a followup question. I would say don't multi-task during this time, but some of the very best, most important conversations happen while I am driving or making dinner. I think my girls know that they have my attention, but I can't look at them very often. The key here is that I am not on my phone!

10. Be civic-minded. Teach your children to make a difference in your community by helping in the community. Serve on volunteer boards, deliver meals-on-wheels, pick up trash... do something FOR your community. I am always amazed at how many people are quick to say that they serve in church and do mission work but they don't have time for a quarterly board meeting to help a local organization that makes a difference in the lives of people in their community.

And there you have it. Really, I have soooo much more to say, but I'll stop there.

Disappointment

Some days are just crappy. Today is one of those. Not for me, but for Maddie. Therefore for me a hundred fold.

Every year, Maddie struggles during the last marking period with making her Accelerated Reader goal because her body is worn out.  In fact, until this year, she had never made the last six weeks goal. This meant that she never got to go to the "good" party at the end of the year, because she was one of "those" kids. "Those" kids meaning the kids who stereotypically either didn't care about reading, didn't have the work ethic, or didn't have parent support to help with the reading at home.  Of course, we all know that she's not one of "those" kids, but it didn't matter, she never got to go.

Well, THIS year, Maddie worked all school year to earn points for the Accelerated Reader 300 point trip. It's a huge deal and hard to attain. Maddie earned more than 350 points. (Last year she earned about 200). We were so excited! She qualified for the trip early and has looked forward to this trip ALL YEAR!

But... guess what? The trip was today and she's at home. Her body is worn completely out.  Why? Because the choir trip was yesterday so Maddie spent the day in the sun yesterday and couldn't recover for the field trip today.  I'm hurt for her. I'm mad that the school scheduled back to back trips. In fact, it's three days of trips because tomorrow is the 6th grade trip to the Omni.  I am really, really hoping that she will get to attend that.

I could go on for awhile about how I feel. But I won't.

I'm just disappointed.

I am disappointed because my 12 year old is devastated but is so used to being hurt that she hides her tears. I grieve because my beautiful and sweet tween is resigned that this is her lot in life. I'm angry because since this type of thing isn't new for her, so she doesn't even seem shocked or throw a fit. I'm scared for her, because at what point does she just give up on her dreams and goals? 

The Night Time Ritual and Youngest Children

Frustrated. That's where I am. I have a 2 1/2 year old toddler who is a tyrant and spoiled. She holds us hostage from 8-9pm. every. single. night. Why? Because she's spoiled. 


Here is the back story...


With our first child, Maddie. Life was never easy and parenting not a lot of fun when she was a baby. Of course, since she was our first, we didn't know anything different (thank God!), so we endured and learned how to cope. Maddie finally started sleeping through the night at FOUR! I barely remember her early years as she never slept and as a working mom, I was in survival mode. 


Finally, Maddie started sleeping through the night. Just months before Lexi was born.


Along came Lexi and she was adorable. But would not sleep in the crib. She slept in the bassinet. She slept in her car seat. She slept with me. and since I was nursing and it was easier, I let her. We tried the crib. Repeatedly. But it never worked. She would scream. I would be sleep deprived, sooo, she would sleep with me. again. And so she slept with us, in our bed, a good portion of every night for a couple of years. yep. I'm that nutso mother.


Then, we found Warm Milk Vitamins. And those helped. Actually, my mom found them at a local health food store. They weren't cheap, but they gave us rest. Lexi started sleeping in her bed (a big girl bed) and I started learning what it meant to have rest.


And so we come to Kylie. aka Tyrant. As we prepared for Kylie's arrival, I told Doug that I wasn't going to be bound to Kylie with nursing like I was with the other girls.  Sure, I would nurse her, but it didn't have to be all or nothing. Lexi never once took a bottle, and Maddie had to be forced to, but Kylie was going to start from the beginning with both. I new I had to return to work, so I needed to be able to rest. Doug would give Kylie her bottle right before bed and it was great.  Doug got wonderful bonding time with Kylie and I got rest. Doug loved having those sweet moments right before a baby falls asleep and would rock her and then go put her to bed and she would go to sleep. It worked great while she took a bottle. In fact, it worked well, as we transitioned houses, but since October, it has been horrible. 


Kylie plays around and is rotten. Doug gets frustrated. I come in and get Kylie and take a turn. I get mad and send her back and so forth. Finally, she will wear out and lay down on the couch and go to sleep. And that's what we've done since October.  It drives me NUTS!! Why don't we just go put her in her room? Cause Lexi is sleeping in there? That's why!! Lexi goes to sleep at 8pm and is a gem (until 3am, when she wakes up almost every night. and yes, she still takes Warm Milk Vitamins..) But if I take a crying/fighting toddler and dump her in their shared bedroom, I'll end up with two crying kids. So I'm stuck.


Until summer gets here.


Then, we (the parents) are taking over bedtime and Kylie can just cry. Lexi won't have to get up early and we can retrain us all.


So, there you have it. My sad parenting story.  Best advice I can give you? Get children that sleep. Mine don't. And for the record, Kylie will be three in August. I don't really want to wait until she's four to get some rest. Twelve years of sleep deprivation has taken it's toll on this mom. For mother's day, I'd like a couple of days of sleep.