Monday, March 26, 2012

Insecurity vs I am Enough

Insecurity. We all deal with it in some form. Whether it is at work or at home, whether we wallow in it or hide it, insecurity is a place we have all been.

Currently I am working through a bible study called Living Your Life as a Beautiful Offering by Angela Thomas. I am really enjoying the study as her lessons are short and to the point. Yes, I wish I had an hour to devote to morning bible study, but I don't. So, this study gives me something to think on in a couple of minutes and I can supplement on those rare mornings that I don't have a child join me almost the moment I get out of bed. (Side note: maybe it's just my house, but opening the bible is the best alarm clock I have. It doesn't seem to matter how quietly I turn the pages, something about that open bible and me getting some alone time with God just makes my children wake up.)

Back to the bible study. We are working through the sermon on the mount.

Today's lesson was on being enough. That in our meekness we realize that we "will never be enough and recognize that we will always need a Savior to complete us." I don't know about you, but this really resonates with me.  I truly struggle with being "enough" at home and at work.  I know that I hide my insecurity pretty well, but I am always working to be "enough". I take lots of extra classes on teaching, am always trying new things, researching and going that extra, extra mile to be enough! 

Why, do I feel this way? There isn't a clear cut answer and I think that's the nature of insecurity. If it was an easy fix, we would fix it and then not be insecure!  I can tell you at work, the answer for much of my insecurity is that I don't have a traditional art teacher background.  Because of that, I am always second guessing myself and allowing things others say in passing, or things they don't say, or things I think they say.... to become worry spots for me. I am always aware that I'm not enough.

Recently, I was having one of those weeks and telling Doug about how I felt and he gave me the best encouragement.  (Thank goodness for awesome husbands!) He made an analogy to a baseball manager. Yes, this fits for me as I love baseball.  He said that some baseball managers (with world series rings as managers) were truly great baseball players in their own right, so good that they are in the hall of fame for their own careers. But some baseball managers played in the minors for years and years and they were never "good enough" to make to the majors, but they know the game and the positions and can see the big picture so well that they make great managers and win world series.

This just made since to me. I've felt that since I wasn't a professional artist with tons of training, that Iwasn't  good enough and shortchanging my students.  But after Doug said that, I was able to see that because of my meekness about traditional art and since I wasn't so concerned with doing things the "right way," I was able to encourage students to see a bigger picture, to try more things and in short to become better artists.

So, am I cured of my insecurity? No. But I can say that when I take a minute to stop and reflect, that I know that God has me where I am supposed to be. Contrary to what some might think, it's not an easy job. Teaching economics and coaching debate was easy. In fact, of all the 13+ things I have taught, teaching art is the hardest thing that I have done. But in the midst of the daily struggles, Iam reminded that "my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever." (Psalm 73: 26)

And when I get down I remind myself that because of Christ I AM ENOUGH!

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